


God Meets Mortal

by nyxalecto



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Original Work
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, First Dates, Fluff, M/M, Surreal, excessively horribly cheesy pick-up lines, fluff for the first half, freaky chaos realm shenanigans, ridiculous date shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 17:30:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18393056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyxalecto/pseuds/nyxalecto
Summary: Seb and Troy go out on a date after “You Bet Your Life!”: a Chaos realm pop-cultural grand-slam of a TV show--where the points don't matter cause you just might die. (And because they really just don't matter.) Troy won the dating mini game and as a result a very awkward date and some sexy times ensue; because with Seb, god of Chaos, that's just how the cookie crumbles.Aka Seb becomes far more invested in this sweet wholesome mortal than he ever intended.((Characters are all from a D&D campaign I DM! The main two are both NPC's and Original Characters))





	God Meets Mortal

The gang had nearly died by Seb’s hand earlier that week, and if it hadn’t been for Adisa’s intervention they almost certainly would have. It took a moment, but Seb calmed down eventually and offered the gang a reluctant deal instead:

“you help me and I’ll help you. I will let you go if you take the scroll from Aberash and destroy it for me.” He grinned innocently, and they accepted the deal with the devil… Demon… Whatever he was. After that he was all smiles. His rage had come fast, but placated by Adisa, someone he considered ‘real’, the nuisance of their attack upon him was nothing. They were ants in Seb’s eyes, and something about that made Troy uneasy.

***

           It was mid-afternoon, and he was sitting alone in Mox and Chad’s house. The others had left to run some errands and shop around for magic items. He stared at the ostentatious billboard the living room window looked out to: a display of Seb in a line of lingerie designed by Aggamar Fire King, a winged kobold the gang had competed against on “You Bet Your Life!”. Troy sighed and turned on the TV. All the channels were about Seb; he was in every ad, he was in every show, there were other actors as well, but they all took a backseat to the Chaos god. Troy was watching a particularly odd infomercial in which Seb was advertising a bowl that always spills your food.

“Does YOUR food always sit, oh so boringly in your bowl? Never letting a single drop fall to the ground… to fill you with the realization that perfection is an incorporeal ideal and what you deserve in life is pure, unfiltered, reality?” Troy smiled. “Well have I got the item for you!” He watched as the TV Seb feigned tripping. His bowl, somehow made entirely of holes, spilling an endless stream of tomato soup onto the white carpet beneath him. “Introducing the new, spectacular, mesmerizing… sham-HOLE!!” Troy shook with laughter at the absurdity, and over-done sincerity of the infomercial. Glancing up with teary eyes he noticed that Seb was watching him. The Seb on the television screen stared at him for just a moment before his mouth pulled into a toothy grin, exposing his sharp rows of triangular teeth. Troy stood still, amazed, as he watched the TV Seb drop his bowl of holes and step slowly out from the long flat screen. He landed on the ground with a tap.

           “Why so quiet? I haven’t gotten your tongue yet” Seb purred. “That’s for later. For now, I think it’s about time you partake in your ‘reward’; you’ve kept me waiting you know.” Seb held his face and swayed—theatrically bashful. Troy was beet red; and barely stammered out:

           “... Reward? What reward?” Seb gasped and clutched his hand over his heart.

           “' _ What reward?’ _ My, how could you possibly forget? Don’t you remember winning the dating game on my show?” Troy’s memory snapped back to their time on the sadistic game show. He had won the dating game, but wasn’t that just for show?

           “Dude, are you messing with me?”

           “Of course not! I would NEVER. Well… Perhaps I would. But you really did catch my eye on the show, so you might as well reap your rewards. Especially when said rewards are a steamy date with the most sought after bachelor in the seven realms!” Seb grinned, winking charmingly at Troy’s crimson face.

           “I guess I didn’t have any plans today anyways… Why not? We’re on the same side now, so sure. I’m game.” Seb’s smile stretched horrifically long, giving him a monstrous appearance and making Troy’s stomach perform what felt like an entire acrobatic maneuver. He felt nervous again, as he always did around the demon king.

           “Great! Let’s go then, the day is young and I have PLANS.” As Troy was about to stutter out a perplexed reply the god grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door. They walked on in silence, Troy processing the surreal-ness of what was happening whilst Seb rambled on thoughtfully about the different modes of transportation that mortals use. “You see, normally I just—you know—show up wherever I want to. Like, POOF!” He wiggled his fingers for emphasis, sparks dancing along his fingertips. “But doing that usually leaves the mortals I bring with me a bit out of sorts.”

           “Seb, where… What? Sorry, I’m still processing, where are you taking me exactly?”

           “Oh! Apologies, that would ruin the surprise—nope, no, can’t tell you that. Are you hungry? I feel like mortals are always hungry. You know, I haven’t HAD to eat in millions of years, but the experience is so delightful I find myself doing it anyways! Old habits die hard I suppose.” He shrugged sagely as Troy stared at him. Troy liked to think he was a pretty charismatic individual, but the chaos god was practically vibrating with energy and expression; it was hard to keep up with the short, excitable man. “Oh! And here we are. After you my love.” Seb let go of Troy’s hand, leaving it cold in its absence; Troy stumbled an extra step forward at the loss. As he bumped into Seb he felt the near-reptilian crimson eyes stare at him curiously. A soft smile shifted across Sebs face, but then it curled back, as though remembering itself, into a wide crocodile grin. He flourished and presented the front of an ostentatious restaurant. It was dimly lit and boasted a variety of extraordinarily lavish dishes. Troy felt a soft, warm hand grab his own as he squinted up at the blinding sign: ‘Oh La Vache!’. “Darling, don’t keep me waiting all day, we have  _ reservations _ .” He walked him, gently, into the strange restaurant and sat him down at a table, shoeing away the couple who had been sitting there, without so much as a glance.

           “I thought you said you had a reservation?” Troy raised an eyebrow at Seb and smiled. Was that a hint of pink he saw? He tried to squint but the room was dark and Seb had already begun discussing something in a hushed voice with their waiter.

           “Why don’t we have a seat, no? Anyways, what was it like playing my game the other day? It’s very popular here you know, I’m a bit of a celebrity in these parts. Didn’t know if you’ve noticed.” Seb winked.

           “No, I noticed. There’s um, there’s a billboard of you right outside the apartment we’ve been staying in. Though I guess you probably noticed that when you came earlier?” 

           “Ah, yes! Did you know that one was a custom piece crafted by Aggamar himself? He really does have an extraordinary gift that one, truly marvelous, he’s very talented. But, lovely as that photo may be it’s even more stunning in person. I have more pieces, a whole collection of them if you’d ever like to see it. I’m quite the talented model.” Seb batted his eyelashes and leaned forward, chin in his hands as he grinned up at Troy. His eyes were locked on him and once again he thought he could make out a slight blush on his cheeks. His gaze was interrupted then by a water showing up with a steaming plate of something wriggling and a bottle of what he prayed would be normal wine. Troy found that if he looked at the dish too long his brain would start registering multiple images of everything; it was a plate of chewy fried tentacles trashing in… was that potato soup? “Ah-ah, two things sweetheart: First, don’t look the food in the eyes, it’s rude and makes it feel insecure. Honestly didn’t anyone teach you basic table manners?” He shook his head with a sigh. “Second, a toast! To us, and to my being blessed with the honor of taking such a  _ handsome _ devil out for a date.” Troy coughed, turning away bashfully and attempting to hide his burning face.  

           “A toast indeed—” and he whispered, “to the handsome devil…”, before shooting down his glass with a gulp. It was NOT normal wine. It was thick, and smooth, and as it slid down his throat it tasted like watching a volcano erupt just a bit too close for comfort. Troy made the unfortunate mistake in his haste of inhaling the overwhelming scent of alcohol while swallowing and he promptly spiraled into a coughing fit. He watched Seb’s eyes widen with concern as his hand shot up, tentatively nervous.

           “That’s! It’s for sipping. That’s some very strong stuff you just chugged.” Troy continued to cough, nodding his agreement. “Damn, didn’t anyone ever teach you how to swallow?” Seb wiggled his eyebrows at the coughing man, which only worsened his condition, as he was now coughing and wheezing through an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

           “—God dammit Seb!” Now Seb was shaking with laughter. His laugh wasn’t like the distorted, sadistic laugh he had heard from him on the game show. There was something surprisingly gentle and genuine about it now.

           “What are  _ you _ staring at? Didn’t I tell you it’s rude to stare?”

           “Pfft you said that about the food.”

           “Hmm, well, I like to think I’m a snack, maybe even a full course meal! What do you say, want a bite?”

           “I say…” At that moment their waiter reemerged from the darkness, asking them what they wanted to order for dessert. Seb continued watching Troy, he realized, waiting curiously for his response.

           “I’ll get the void soufflé. Seb, did you want anything, or—maybe, did you want to split one? If you do it doesn’t have to be the soufflé, you can choose anything really!” Seb continued to watch Troy silently, cocking his head a fraction at the attempted subject change. “Gotta love me some uh, some soufflé… It’s sou-flé! Sou-fly! So fly, souflé! Such… Fucking fly soufflé…” Seb squinted. “Ok, yes. The answer’s yes, oh gods.” With that he shoved an entire spoonful of soup into his mouth, making a point to look at neither it nor Seb.

           “Really? You’re sure?” Seb had leaned in even closer while he had been looking away and was practically lying across the table now. “I don’t want you to agree to anything you don’t actually want to do; I may be the god of chaos but I’m not a dick… Scratch that, no, I am a dick. But the rest of my point stands and you can change your mind at any point.” He was close enough that Troy could see the point when Seb’s realization and embarrassment had spread, blushing crimson, across his face. He sat back quickly, coughing, before regaining his composure and covering his eyes as casually as he could manage. “How about that… Soufflé?” Troy grinned.

           “Soufflé of you my dude, Soufflé.” Seb frowned, shoveling the soufflé down by the mouthful the instant the waiter returned with it. Troy couldn’t see very well in the dim lighting, but he could tell that Seb was smiling.

***

           “My thudes, was that Seb and Troy we just passed by?” A large minotaur in skimpy leather armor asked their companions.

           “Don’t be silly, Troy wouldn’t hangout with that butthead! He’s a good boy.” Huffed a sweet, but roguish half-elf, scratching a hellhound behind the ears. A hellhound that they had dressed up in a fantastic cravat. It panted up at them and licked their hand.

           “Troy, our boy?! No, I doubt that’s him.” Chattered a large thri-kreen, weapons strapped to every perceivable inch of her body. She glanced around “I mean… Seb JUST tried to kill us, like, a week ago.”

           “Hmmmm” A wavering shadow smiled slightly, curiously, but said nothing more.

**Author's Note:**

> More tags will come with the second chapter since that's the one that actually will need to be tagged. This one's just a goofy first-date scene that I wrote for fun!


End file.
